The Matrix Doubled
by FlowerOfMidnight
Summary: A Matrix fanfic written by two practiced random humour fanfic authors involving a massive leather coat burglary that leaves Neo traumatised and Trinity under the control of a poncho..and the Oracle is addicted to gambling. Please R&R, YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO
1. Default Chapter

FlowerOfMidnight's Author's note: This fanfic was written by moi, and BitterSweetPill... two random humour fanfic authors at your service. The bits with Neo, Morpheus and Trinity and the coat thief are mine, the bits with the Oracle are hers. Please R&R. :-)  
  
BitterSweetPill's Author's note: Wowses peeps...my first 'humourous' non-script fic. Can't spell humourous but who cares?! Um...as already said, all the Oracle's sections are mine and the human's sections are Flowerofmidnight's...dude...isn't that spoon bending kid weird? are they a girl or boy? are they english/american/australian? o - 0

* * *

This starts on a nice sunny morning in February...  
  
Well actually it doesn't, for several reasons. One, you don't get nice sunny mornings in my fanfics, unless something's going to drop out of the sky/get shot/drowned in ketchup, etc. Two, there is no such thing as a nice sunny morning in February, not even in the Matrix. And three, in Zion, how could you tell if it was sunny anyway?  
  
But it could have been, I guess.  
  
ANYWAY, it starts in Neo's bedroom.  
  
Where he is snoring.  
  
Loudly.  
  
"SCHNOOORWEEE!" he snorted, and woke up from a horrible nightmare.  
  
"NOOO!" he howled, and grabbed for his faithful comfort blanket, which should have been hanging on the bedside table.  
  
"NOOOO!" he howled, impaling his hand on a hairbrush.  
  
"NOOOOO!" he howled, finally getting to the point (it takes Neo a long time to grasp these things, poor boy) and realising that his nightmare had come true. This called for an urgent conference, and a top priority mission for the One.  
  
Someone had taken his ultra-stylish leather coat.  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Meanwhile, far far away...  
  
The Oracle sat at her table in the kitchen reading a newspaper.  
  
The Kid who bends spoons came in.  
  
Well, that ain't his/her name, and it's too long to type, so let's just called him/her Jay.  
  
He/she sat at the table and stared pointedly at her.  
  
"What Jay?"  
  
"There's someone at the door."  
  
The Oracle raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Who?"  
  
Jay shrugged and eyed the spoon in the Oracle's coffee.  
  
"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!!"  
  
Jay scowled and walked off.  
  
The Oracle opened the door and found agent Smith fidgeting with a small figure in a hoodie.  
  
"Can I help you?" She leant against the door frame.  
  
Smith grimaced and pushed the figure towards her.  
  
"THIS, is yours."  
  
The Oracle looked at the hooded creature.  
  
"You sure?"  
  
Smith sneered.  
  
"A troubled youth, arrested for some random act against society?"  
  
The Oracle nodded.  
  
"Come in..."  
  
The thing came in and sat down.  
  
Smith handed her some files.  
  
"Here...This should explain stuff to you..."  
  
He left. Rather quickly. In a manner that could've been described as running...  
  
The Oracle went back inside and opened the heavy manila envelope.  
  
She read it as the Hoodie looked at her.  
  
"So, your name's Norman is it?"  
  
The hoodie nodded.  
  
"Ok hon, just interrupt anything that's incorrect."  
  
She cleared her throat and read it out.  
  
"Name: Lord Norman Peziwick III  
  
Age: 15  
  
Height: 5'5  
  
General: Orphaned at 5, arrested at 14 for freeing Flamingos at the local Zoo..."  
  
She looked at Norman.  
  
Norman shrugged  
  
"Has abandonment issues and dislikes people who are 'icky'."  
  
Norman shrugged again and the Oracle put down the files.  
  
"Why don't you take the hoodie off dear, I need to look at you."  
  
Norman backed away.  
  
"Take it off."  
  
Norman shook their head.  
  
"NOW."  
  
Norman squealed and promptly ran into the wall, missing the door by about...a metre or two.  
  
The Oracle shook her head.  
  
She opened the files and wrote at the bottom in small, neat writing: "Dim."  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Morpheus, Trinity and Neo were sitting round a conference table in an urgent meeting. The Kid had been sent out for coffee. Not that they particularly needed the coffee, but it was always fun watching him burn his hands on the coffee jug.  
  
None of them were their - usual - selves. Morpheus looked like a nerdy drug-dealer in an anorak. Neo was inconsolable in his dressing gown, and while he'd have preferred Trinity to adjust to the situation by not wearing any sort of top at all (the little PERVERT), she had in fact, done something far worse.  
  
Far, far worse.  
  
She was wearing a poncho. With a tasselled fringe.  
  
Neo and Morpheus had to put on their mirrored sunglasses just to bear it.  
  
"So," said Trinity, oblivious of their horror-stricken looks. "Who would have done such a horrible thing? Who would have done such a horrible thing, KNOWING THAT I WOULD GAIN REVENGE?"  
  
Neo was far less eloquent about the situation. "Nasty people took COOOOAT!" he wailed, huddling himself into his dressing gown, which had, incidentally, bunnies stitched on the pocket.  
  
Morpheus gritted his teeth. "So, how about we put off the saving of men from the machines, and turn first to the far more important issue of finding our coats?" he suggested to Trinity.  
  
"Yeah, dude, let's just all go save those dudey monkeys."  
  
There was a long pause.  
  
Morpheus stared strangely at Trinity.  
  
She blinked. "I mean, of course we can't save the world till we get our coats back."  
  
Morpheus raised an eyebrow.  
  
"OK!" she yelled. "IT'S THE PONCHO! ITS HIPPIE-VIBES ARE GETTING TO ME!"  
  
"mimblewimble," squeaked Morpheus.  
  
Trinity leant across and tried to console Neo, who was sobbing silently.   
  
"There there," she said sympathetically, giving him a hug. Neo merely cried harder and she shot a worried glance at Morpheus.  
  
Just then the Kid ran in, screaming in agony as his hands roasted slowly on the metal coffee jug. "I - got - your - coffee - Neo - ARGH!" he cried, placing it on the table and managing to knock boiling coffee all over himself in the process.  
  
Neo looked up from his self-pity session and beamed slowly as the Kid dashed around screaming and waving his arms around madly in the air.  
  
"Never fails," whispered Morpheus smugly.  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------At the same time...  
  
Jay walked through the streets.  
  
He/She never went out by himself.  
  
Not during the day anyway.  
  
"Nasty light...Nasty..." Jay mumbled to him/herself.  
  
Jay stopped as they walked past a nice, shiny, red car.  
  
"ooooooo!"  
  
He/She went to it, pulled on the handle, when it didn't open, they looked about, then bent the lock.  
  
It opened, and off they went, in their new, nice, shiny car.  
  
Did I mention it was red?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Trinity had refused to change her poncho before they went into the Matrix. Morpheus suspected the two were forming an emotional attachment. After all, it had to be easier forming a complex bond with a poncho than with Neo. At least it wouldn't get all giggly and start blushing every time Trinity mentioned the word "kissing".  
  
Morpheus hadn't changed the anorak, but that was simply because he'd got out his Village People tribute act jumpsuit and all the bright colours and sequins had brought Neo out in a panic attack.  
  
As for Neo...  
  
"Neo, hurry up in there will you?" bawled Trinity, banging on the bathroom door. "We've got to go and find our coats!"  
  
"OOOOOH!" came a squeal from inside the bathroom. A second later, a figure slammed through the door screaming "COATIECOATIECOATIEWHERECOATIEWHERECOATIEWANNACOATIENOOOOOW!!!"  
  
"We haven't got Coatie yet Neo. We're just going to find him now," Trinity sighed.  
  
"Hey!" yelled Morpheus, noticing Neo's new outfit. "That's MY VILLAGE PEOPLE TRIBUTE ACT JUMPSUIT!"  
  
"Is it?" Trinity frowned. "Oh yeah. I guess wearing this rainbow striped poncho must make me immune to bright colours."  
  
"But - but it's MINE! I sewed on those sequins myself! It's MY JUMPSUIT!" Morpheus howled, jumping up and down.  
  
"Sequins very pretty," agreed Neo, flashing him an innocent and entirely unwary smile.  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------The Oracle gaped at Norman.  
  
Pulling off the hoodie had been hard enough, but she'd got quite a shock when she saw Norman's hair.  
  
Long, thick, straight and Vermillion red.  
  
Not just the colour.  
  
But the fact that the face the hair hid was most definitely...  
  
"Female?!"  
  
The Oracle looked at Norman.  
  
Yup, it was a girl all right.  
  
"You're a girl? Why're you called Norman then?!"  
  
Norman simply shrugged.  
  
The Oracle looked at the files, it said nothing about Norman being a girl.  
  
Except that her mother and doctor were blind.  
  
That might explain it.  
  
Like, how Mrs. Peziwick mistook her daughter for a boy.  
  
And how the doctor had managed to leave a duck tattooed onto her lower arm.  
  
Wait a minute...  
  
"You got a tattoo?" The Oracle tilted her glasses to look at Norman.  
  
Norman shrugged, and spoke for the first time.  
  
"I like ducks."  
  
The Oracle simply sighed.  
  
"Well...just try to stay out of trouble, and obey the house rules.  
  
And don't upset Jay."  
  
"Jay's being naughty."  
  
The Oracle looked at her.  
  
"Are you second sighted?"  
  
Norman shook her head.  
  
"I saw that photo of him/her."  
  
Points to photo of Jay.  
  
"And saw that car out there."  
  
Points out of window to Jay driving nice, shiny red car into an ice-cream stand.  
  
The Oracle rubs her eyes.  
  
"Not again..."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
One black eye later (Neo's) and several broken ribs (Morpheus') Neo had still refused to hand over the jumpsuit. Morpheus had reluctantly loaned it to him ("But if one sequin comes off, JUST ONE, I MEAN IT...") since he didn't really have much choice.  
  
Trinity was whistling "We all live in a yellow submarine" all the way to the Matrix entry point where they'd found Link hiding under one of the computers in a V-necked sweater rocking back and to mumbling to himself. It didn't matter that he'd never actually wore a big leather coat before. It was the principle. They had managed to threaten him into getting them into the Matrix eventually and were now standing outside a severely damaged ice-cream stand.  
  
"So who would have done it anyway?" Morpheus asked Trinity, while they left Neo to gather up all the discarded ice-cream with the big group of gleeful five and six-year-olds.  
  
"Well, I'm betting on those Agents Smith and Brown. They are SO rude! We've sent them a Christmas card both the last two years, but they STILL haven't replied!"  
  
"Uh-huh," answered Morpheus absent-mindedly as he watched Neo playing tag with the children.  
  
It dawned on Trinity that it wasn't Smith and Brown she was pissed off at. Well, it was, but that was just the normal getting-pissed-off-at-everyone thing. No, she hadn't felt right since...since...  
  
::Peace, dudette::  
  
since she'd put on the poncho.  
  
::Peace, dudette:: the voice in her mind said again.  
  
Trinity looked down. "Poncho? Are you - talking to me?"  
  
::Nope::  
  
"Oh my god!" cried Trinity, looking around fearfully. "Who is it then?"  
  
::I'm just sending thoughts into your mind dude. Isn't that like, radical?::  
  
"Oh good," Trinity sighed. "It is you. For a moment there, I thought I was going mad."  
  
::Now chill Trinity, and listen up. There are some really cool things we're going to do, right?::  
  
Trinity grinned.  
  
::But first, we're going to need some HEAVY weed, dude...::  
  
Trinity reached down, and gently fingered a stray thread on the rainbow striped hippie poncho. "We gets it, my precious, we gets it..." she hissed, and then added as an afterthought, "...dude..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Jay and Norman have been sat on the sofa in the living room as the Oracle talks to the police officer.  
  
"Yes...I understand...it won't happen again."  
  
The officer leaves and the Oracle turns to the kids.  
  
"Jay. You are grounded for a month. No, a YEAR."  
  
"I don't go out anyway."  
  
"Don't be facetious!"  
  
Jay grumbled and went to his/her room.  
  
Norman watched the television silently.  
  
It was horse racing.  
  
"Ooo!"  
  
She pointed and smiled.  
  
"You could tell me who was going to win couldn't you?"  
  
"This isn't the time dear."  
  
The Oracle went into the kitchen and started baking.  
  
Of course she knew who was going to win, and by how much, but that wasn't her style.  
  
Was it?

* * *

Another chapter coming soon!  
  
And everyone's favourite gay couple, Smith and Brown!  
  
::And don't forget more of the mind-controlling rainbow striped hippie poncho::


	2. Drugs, Gambling, and Rainbow Ponchos

FlowerOfMidnight's author's note (BitterSweetPill's is at the end): Five reviews? FIVE? Is that the best you can give? Come on! Review from the bottom of your hearts! Hey, don't you walk out on ME!  
Aaanyways, Part 2 is here :-) The Oracle and the Agents bits are BitterSweet's, Trinity/Morpheus/Neo bits are mine.

* * *

Matrix-Oracle-Part two…o – 0 In the agent stronghold… "So…Was the parcel delivered?" Brown watched Smith, who was currently looking out of the office windows.  
"Yes." Smith turned back round.  
"Finally we have rid of her…" "She WAS our ultimate weapon Smith…" "So?" Smith took out a packet of cigarettes and lit up.  
"Remember that week when she got caught smoking weed in the agent's toilets?" Brown stifled a laugh.  
"The time when you got high and tried to tap dance on top of the sta-" "Yes. THAT time. And when we grounded her, she refused to communicate in anything other than quacks?" Brown nodded. That WAS a tough week.  
"And poor Jones got hit over the head with a hamster…he's never been the same since…" Smith nods in agreement.  
"Where is Agent Jones?" "In his room." "What is he doing?" "Burning C.Ds." Smith raised an eyebrow.  
"Isn't that illegal?" Brown looked at him.  
"I didn't mean off the internet." 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Morpheus, though cool (except when wearing a hoodie) was not exactly what you'd call observant, and so completely failed to notice Trinity was talking to her poncho. Neo didn't notice anything strange either, but not because he wasn't observant. Just completely thick.

"Moooorpheus?" he asked, tugging thoughtfully at the Village People tribute act jumpsuit. "Yeah?" 

"How do you spell "Y.M.C.A?"

Morpheus clobbered him round the head. "I think it's time we went and saw the Oracle," he said in an exasperated voice, after pulling Neo back up and checking he hadn't pulled any of the sequins off.

"What, like so we can ask her who stole the coats? Hey Morpheus dude, that's a radical plan man!" 

Morpheus frowned.

"That's a good idea," she explained. Morpheus smirked, despite having actually planned to just leave Neo there with the Oracle's other brats. But Trinity's plan sounded better. Well, possibly. 

::Remember what I said before, Trinity dudette…::

"Oh yeah." Trinity lifted her head up. "But first there are some things I gotta do man…see you. I gotta split." 

Morpheus frowned.

"I have to go do something first." 

"Oh! Great! You can take Neo with you then! The Oracle's never liked him since that time he messed up her fridge magnets trying to spell "CAT"" Morpheus grinned. "Have fun Trinity!"

::Oh, we will man…:: the poncho smirked. If ponchos can smirk. Actually, it probably couldn't smirk without a mouth. But it would have done. If it did.  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Norman and Jay were playing chess whilst the oracle watched T.V.  
"Check." Jay whined at the Oracle.  
"She's cheating!" "How can you cheat at chess?" Norman raised an eyebrow.  
"I found a way." She laughed evilly.  
Then realised that she'd just given her plan away.  
"Oh fu-" "Norman…" "Fureguck a duck." The oracle blinked.  
"Right…now…who's going to win this race I wonder?" She stared pointedly at the television screen.  
Norman blinked back.  
"I thought you didn't do that type of thing." "I'll do it just this once. For fun." Norman grinned evilly.  
Her mind control was beginning to work.  
Soon she would have it…soon…  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"So Neo, what do you have to go ask that nice man over there?" Trinity asked for the fifth time.

"Um…um…" Suddenly a lightbulb flickered dimly in the basement of the thing they call his brain. "Where do I find the seediest low-life drug-dealer?" 

"YES!" Trinity said gleefully. "Now go on Neo dude, ask him."

"Yes Trinity."

"ASK HIM NOW, FOR GOD'S SAKES, ASK HIM NOW NEO MOTHER FUC-I mean, dude." Neo toddled off and asked the man. After listening to the man's incredulous answer, he promptly dismantled him with an impromptu lightsaber.  
  
"Neo! Chill out! Peace!" Trinity yelled at him. "Now we're not just going to have to go ask someone else, you've almost moved this fanfic to the Crossovers section with that Star Wars insertion!"

::How do you know about fanfic writing? You're just a character, dude!::

"Come on! If I can be influenced by my totally dudey hippie rainbow striped poncho who is speaking directly into my mind, is there any reason I can't know the ins and outs of fanfic writing?"

::Fair enough, dude.:: the poncho admitted. ::Now go score that weed!::

"Go on Neo dude," Trinity ordered. "Ask that other man over there now." 

"Um…" Neo paused from the challenging mathematical exercise of counting his fingers (he got ten, but that proves nothing, he was only counting one hand). "What am I meant to ask again?" Trinity, forgetting values of peace and love for a minute, hit him.  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Meanwhile…back in the agent stronghold… "Jones…Do you wanna come out now?" Brown knocked tentatively on the door, Smith stood next to him, there was an acrid smell of burning plastic wafting from the gaps in the door frame.  
:: That's my evil minion…burn…:  
"Pardon Smith?" "Huh?" Brown was staring at Smith.  
:: I really need to stop thinking out loud…:  
"Yes you should." :: GODDAMMIT! :  
"Just shut up!" Brown glared at him.  
"Jones?" He knocked again.  
Suddenly there was a noise like they'd never heard before.  
It was loud.  
It was fast.  
It was…It was…it was Placebo!  
"Uh…Jones? This is Smith, if you don't come out now…uh…you're grounded!" There was a thump in the room.  
"£$%&&£%&!!!!" Brown gasped.  
"JONES! YOU ARE COMING OUT OF THIS ROOM, RIGHT NOW!!!!" Brown kicked the door.  
"A-wight! A-wight man…chill…" The door opened and both Smith and Brown stepped back as a wall of smoke hit them, then, a dark figure emerged.  
"Whut-up dudes?" Brown proceeded to faint, Smith merely gaped at Jones and forgot to catch Brown. "Uh, we have a job to do Jones." Agent Jones shrugged.  
"And?" "You're an agent." Jones rolled his eyes.  
"Look man, awight? I ain't doing no Agent Shiatsa in this get-up, got it?" Smith looked at his 'get-up'.  
It consisted of: a pair of baggy pants, black, a black vest with red and black striped sleeved undershirt, a pair of black biker boots, a nose ring, several other piercings and long brown dreadlocked hair.  
"Indeed…Peziwick's gonna pay for this." He turned on his heel, and tripped over Brown's unconscious form.  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
They had finally managed to find Trinity's drug dealer. She slunk into the dark alleyway, but the dramatic effect was already lost because any shadows were soon broken by the luminescence of her poncho, and Neo was skipping happily along anyway.

"Okay Neo, just let Trinity do the talking now." "Alright," Neo nodded obediently. Together they approached a short figure at the end of the alleyway, his face hidden in shadow.  
"Hi dude," Trinity grinned. "Right, I want –" 

"I know what you want you dumb TINGALINGALING know what you want, I do, yes."

"Did you just say TINGALINGALING?" Trinity asked, puzzled.

::He sure did, and man, what a groovy noise!:: "Say anything, I didn't!" the short drug dealer croaked. "Hey, don't I know you from somewhere man?" She reached forward, and despite the creature's protests, lifted off his hood. "YODA?!" 

"Yoda, I am," the little guy nodded. "Weed you want to buy?"

Trinity slapped a hand to her forehead. "NEO! Did you affect the nature of causality again? I mean…" she paused. "Did you change things round?" There was no answer.  
"…Neo?"

"'Oo 'ol 'e 'o 'oo 'al!" he tried to say without opening his mouth.

"Neo, when I said let me do the talking…I didn't mean you couldn't talk at all!" 

"That one, dumb kid TINGALINGALING," Yoda agreed.

"Oh no!" Trinity's face turned white. Well, rainbow because of the poncho underneath, but nearly white. "You've turned it into a Crossover fanfic! Now any character can be let in!"

"She's quite right you know," said the sudden and disturbing figure of Dumbledore in a hoodie. "Ah! I know what would sort you out! How about some TINGALINGALING no, no precious mine! All mine!" Gollum crouched possessively in a hoodie.

"Neo…" Trinity warned him.

Neo pouted, and Gollum promptly turned into the huge purple teletubby Tinky Winky, complete with handbag. Neo clapped with joy.

"Neo!" Trinity growled, and Tinky Winky disappeared to be replaced by a very confused Link. Trinity sighed in relief as Neo burst into tears. 

::Like, how radical was that man?::

But while Trinity was whispering to her poncho, Neo scrambled over to a big red handbag previously abandoned by Tinky Winky. Neo had a look inside. There was some nasty green stuff and some smarties.

Well, probably smarties.

Actually, probably not.

But Neo wasn't to know.

"No! Neo!" Trinity yelled, as Neo picked up one of the pills and ate it.

"mmmMMMMMMFEJWUHOIPDQUHP}U){} I !!!!!!" he grinned as his eyes glowed orange…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Ok…now...in this first race, I want to place $50 on the horse called Epson Stylus…yes…I know he's 100-1, I want to bet on THIS horse, got-it?!" The oracle slammed the phone down.  
She didn't know what had come over her today.  
Well, it was just one little bet, and if she got some money she'd get something nice for the kids.  
And she knew Epson Stylus was going to win.  
Norman was now playing Jay in a game of monopoly.  
One of those dodgy movie cross-over versions.  
"Hah! That's my hotel, come on, pay up!" Jay smiled at Norman.  
"You cheated." "Oh yeah, how did ya guess that then?" "That hotel…" "Yeeeeeeeeees…" "That I've got the card for…" "Yeeeeeeeeees…" "I've just put a house on it." Jay looked from her to the board.  
"I don't like this game." He/She stormed off.  
Then came back for the car piece.  
Then stormed off again.  
"Wasn't he the dog?" Norman pondered.  
She shrugged and instead decided to annoy the Oracle.  
"Can I go the park?" "Not by yourself, no." "I'm 15!" "You have a criminal record." Norman giggled as the Oracle frowned.  
"WHY do you want to go to the park Norman?" Norman tried to look innocent.  
"To feed the duckies." The Oracle looked at her.  
"Alright…but you have to take Jay with you." "He/She's grounded!" "They need fresh air." Norman grumbled as she collected Jay and left for the pond.  
"At least my duckies love me…" "Pardon?" Jay stared at Norman.  
She tried to think of something to say.  
"Um…" She grinned evilly.  
"Quack."

* * *

BitterSweetPill's authors note: Well…you know…the whole duck-girl thingie going on.  
And Jones will have a vital role in the story as soon as Brown regains consciousness.  
And Smith quits smoking.  
Honestly…Cigarettes are baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!  
And NOT in a good way.  
I'm rambling. Shut me up somebody. Please.  
Before I start reciting Placebo lyrics.  
[Huggles Brian Molko plushie]  
  
(FlowerOfMidnight again): Sorry. I think I lost control of my part of the fanfic around the time they found the drug dealer. Next time I may introduce a plot to prevent that sort of thing!  
Heheh…Neo on DRUGS…bad Neo… 


End file.
